Someone once told me that I am in love with the idea of being in
love... Yeah what the heck does that mean right? Well, the thought of being
with that special person, being in love, and growing together is a wonderful
thought. Creating memories together, starting a family, and supporting each
other’s dreams.... I know I am not crazy for wanting this. It just seems to be
a figment of my imagination now. When I come close to this dream, things always
get in the way. I chalk it up to chance, or the devil being busy, or just one
of life's challenges. I continue to reserve my time, effort, and energy for the
possibility of love. Yet, I don't have it. I feel like I am climbing an endless
mountain. The climate is getting worse, and the air is getting thinner. My life
means too much to me to throw it away on a chance, or something that is unsure.
Ok this isn't life or death, but you know what I mean.
I love my sister Tricy. She is like the physical version of my
conscience. When I know I need to move in a certain direction, I call her and
lay it all out. Once again, she has come through. We just keep it real with
each other. What she advised me to do was to focus on what I have and not what
I want, or hope for. Not saying give up completely, but focus on what you have
control over. She's good. I think I’m start paying her lol lol.
Back to me. Well, work,
organizations, karate, friendships, and love are always on my mind and
splitting my attention. The splitting evens it out so that each area is
present, but none can be strengthened because I am worn too thin. Love is in
the lead. My schedule is cleared on purpose, and I have invested in other
facets relating to my love life. I am making progress, but not as much as I
would hope for. Now my other areas of control need my attention. But something
must go.
“Why don’t you do them all?” “Manage your time better.” “Just
change your approach.” Blah Blah Blah..... I have heard almost all of it. Now
me knowing myself, I tend to go all in when it comes to things. If I am going
to in love, that's where my focus and energy will go. If I am focused on money,
then the same thing applies. I have a fear... the fear of forgetting love for
the sake of my other areas of control. Crazy huh?
Now, back to the mountain.... I am calling in the chopper.... the
emergency crew, and anybody else that can get me off of this mountain. The love
mountain has defeated me. I am just tired of being tired. I need a break. Last
time I climbed off of this mountain, I almost left it alone completely. I am
off this for now. I will try to keep my mind open to the idea, but no more
climbing. Next time I try to climb that mountain, I want her to be with me.
I am strapping on my life jacket and packing my emergency flares.
I am heading out to the sea known as my life. Organizations, karate,
friendships, and work. It is time to just let love float behind as I attempt to
regain control. Love I will miss you, but you are in the way of possible
opportunities for me.
Well that's just where I am right now. I am going be here for a while and
das cool. Just more time for me. This is just me. It doesn't mean I am cutting
anyone off or mad or upset, no not at all. I am just taking a chill pill.
Sometimes you gotta take a step back and really check yaself. Gut check time
for me. I am going to be a little down for a while, but the results will be
worth it.
Peace,
Love, and Hope to you all.
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